Buck: A review...

If the horse I chose tells the tales of my soul then here it is: I select the ones that are broken, but cannot be fixed. I will give my soul plus a pound of interest to the devil to prove them wrong that we can do the work, but in the end a deep dark blackness sucks our soul dry and that is the world of dressage...and of life

Fewer and fewer they become...

Oh, how life has changed. Not since my departure of a place known as EPSACC, has my life known such a curve. I embrace it and run my hands along the rough edges of my future, savoring each splitter as a lesson; wondering how can I apply this to my next lead. I take what I have learned from my dancing days and apply the inherited shrewdness to all. There are times when I feel like my business partner fucks me and others when I know he is.
The table has been swept clean. There is no more need of discussion at this round table, for it feels rather square these days with lines clearly draw as opposing angles try to intersect.

Dear Noggie...

I just wanted to say Happy Birthday. I know it's nearly 22 years later, but I still miss you. All these years later and I'm still saddened we never got to share one together. My mother told me how hard she'd hoped I would be born on your birthday, but don't worry. I made up for my early arrival with 27 hours of back labor. That ought to start to settle the score between mother and daughter.
At times I miss you so much and wish we could talk, but at the same time I'm glad you are not here to share in the disappointment I feel towards my life.

Through the steps of my life I have been told by a couple of mediums that you are closer to me than I think and that I only feel your presence when I open myself to it.

Thank you for keeping me safe from him. You were the only one willing to tell him to stop. I remember you in your debilitated state threatening to hit him with your walker. It's the only time anyone ever stood up to him simply because it was wrong. The bastard still has the balls to wish me a Happy Birthday and I am proud that I can keep my response to myself, although I am blessed with your wit for an insult, " I'm so glad you can acknowledge your 15 second contribution to my existence".

And here it is. I feel as though I'm not allowed to respond in that manner because I am told I would sink to his level. This is why I wish you were here. What would you tell me? I'm at a point where I'm sick of hearing all the same old, "you're a better person than that." or "Oh, Shelly."

I guess I can't have a meat and potatoes conversation with him because I'd throw the whole plate at him. But I digress....

I think of the picture of you at Echo Lake in Colorado with your riding boots and pants. I hope I make you proud. You are loved and at times very, very deeply missed.

So tonight in honor of all that you were and have been to me, I raised a glass of Drambuie. To Noggie!

I hear crickets

My mind is a muck. I can't believe it's almost May and I'm posting my first blog of the year. Even more _________ (mad libs moment here for ya folks) is my last blog I bitched about how little I blogged in 2010.

At a minimum my life has shifted in a direction that ultimately I know I allowed my energy to spin. It is the law of attraction. I am ok with where I am at in my life and at times I can go so far as to say I'm content.

This is a moment of transition. The road feels familiar beneath my feet as I know this trodden path well. Those that chose to follow are the ones I see as loyal, and the ones that stay behind I hold no bad bones with. There are moment of panic, and I would love to set the record straight, but it's not my broken record to fix.

Here in the country side, at night when I awake in a cold fear induced sweat, I let the night noises creep in. There are owls, and other things turning over dried leaves. It allows the earthbound moisture to seep up. It is spring here and there is a newness in the air.

I try to embrace it, but sometimes it's so big I don't think I can fit my arms around it. I await a birth of my new life, but first I know this garden is overgrown. I pulled out the poison ivy without having to itch too much. In it's place I've planted my future. I wait for growth and in the meantime listen to the company of the crickets on the sleepless nights.