Ahhhh the joys and pleasures of working in the behavioral health field. My favorite will always be the Borderline, perhaps because I can not only relate, but I know the games they play because I can play them, too. So bring it, bitch!
Let's start with boundaries. For instance, there are certain expectations for behavior. When dealing with a borderline it's very important to make sure these are clear, concise, reinforable, and repeatable. Borderline's have hearing problems. Ok, that might be a bit unfair. There is neurological evidence indicating different cerebral structures in specific areas of the brain which may indicate a difficulty in processing stimuli in a manner that is expected by modern society.
Now for the chamilion like behavior. I change my color and flavor to suit your needs. I'm very good at being mailable as long as I think this is what you want me to be. A beautiful talent that invokes an element of grace in social settings, however challenges a more intimate role. I can only fake things for so long before I get frustrated.
Turbulant relationships. Hahahahahahahahahaha, no wait. Hahahahahahahahahaha. I just got ripped a new one because a friend felt that I'd been neglecting them attention wise. Look asshole: here's a few things for you. 1) You are not the center of my universe. 2) Your own emotional insecurities evoke a negative and personal interpretation of my behaviors that may actually have nothing to do with you. 3) If you feel at all disrespected or mistreated then you've done a shitty job with boundaries. Can someone please tell me what a stable relationship looks like? I'm too fucking nuts to know. Hence, why I am alone and will most likely stay this way.
Emotional void. This is the sickest part to me. There is no attactment to any sort of emotion. Not happy, not sad, not angry, not love, not hate. An abyss of nothingness that is so numbing you wonder if you can feel anything. Through therapy I have learned to touch those feelings. I can embrace them, hold them, and feel them. But right now I am too wounded and it is too dangerous for me to acknowledge how angry I am so instead I feel nothing.
SIB or cutting. Ahhhhhhhh! Like a good emotional bowel movement, really. Tattoo anyone? No seriously. The pain of the neddle on the flesh forcing the ink inside to remind me forever of all the moments in my life when I must feel something because feeling nothing is too dangerous. Otherwise, for me I was good for cutting on the inside of my ankles. Didn't need the regulars to know I was that nuts so I covered up the marks with my thigh high boots. Today, it's usually a moment when the pressure becomes so intense and I'm in a place where I can't cry. I can't feel in the moment. It's not safe so I push it down by stabbing my keys into the palms of my hands.
Self sabbatoge. It's a history on repeat. I felt like a loser fuck up scum bag piece of shit so I must be? Right? Yeah that's it. I'm no good. I don't deserve a man in my life who loves me. My own father doesn't love me. He told me what fucking piece of shit I am, so he's my dad. He must be right. Parents are infaluable. Oh, look. I failed out of community college. Yup. That's right. I'm a waste of space.
Do we get better? Can we outgrow this? Rumor is yes. I think there is no disorder that has so much controversy surrounding it. I am committed to not buying into the bullshit of being a borderline. I have been in therapy off and on since I was 17. I am not my disorder. Yes, there are bumps in the road, and we might "drive" a bit differently then most, but I think if an individual is truly committed to getting better, they are an amazing strong person.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Realization
Sometimes, whether you are ready for something or not, it's going to happen regardless. I have learned that you need to accept what life hands you and deal with an unbiased perspective. I'm working on that unbiased part.
I can't completely check my history at the door. It has shaped me and given me the strength to cope. My past has taught me, and caused me to grow. It has prevented me from repeating my mistakes.
I made a booty call to Boat Boy Tuesday afternoon. I felt terrible because when he got to my house he wasn't able to get in. My roommates didn't hear him knocking and I was in the shower primping.
However, through this experience it made me realize that this isn't limited to being some casual sex relationship. It's beyond friends with benefits and each moment I spend with him I feel a deeper connection growing.
If I had to summarize what Boat Boy is becoming is somewhat sort of an emotional hero. He has prevented me from completely shutting down and giving up on everyone, including myself.
I can't completely check my history at the door. It has shaped me and given me the strength to cope. My past has taught me, and caused me to grow. It has prevented me from repeating my mistakes.
I made a booty call to Boat Boy Tuesday afternoon. I felt terrible because when he got to my house he wasn't able to get in. My roommates didn't hear him knocking and I was in the shower primping.
However, through this experience it made me realize that this isn't limited to being some casual sex relationship. It's beyond friends with benefits and each moment I spend with him I feel a deeper connection growing.
If I had to summarize what Boat Boy is becoming is somewhat sort of an emotional hero. He has prevented me from completely shutting down and giving up on everyone, including myself.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Where the day takes you....
And yes this includes getting duped towards the end of the day. Boat boy proves to be more and more interesting with each encounter. But before we go there, I spent the day with my mother.
I told my mother about the figure modeling I'd done. She asked if it was nude to which I answered honestly. She was proud that I could do it, and validated my decision to work with an artist. Hey, it would be my luck my mother or someone she knows stumbles across a pic of me.
There was that moment in my relationship where my mother became my friend, but still my mother, and I don't think either one of us has looked back. Neither one of us is perfect, yet we accept each other. Some of the highlights included a blazer I found at Good Will. My mother kindly offered to sow in shoulder pads for me. I explained (as I always do on our shopping adventures) that the 80s are over, and please get unstuck. I am the evil little shit that would hide all her shoulder pads if given the chance, but she won't let me know where she keeps them, except in every single top she owns. Oh, well. I did tell her though if I decided to go as an 80s version of Madonna then I'd let her go to town. We laughed.
Another random topic was men. This is always a fun subject because as we grow older our tastes seem to parallel each other more and more. Now mind you my poor mother had to listen to my verbal diarrhea about Boat Boy, but in between we mentioned how many men have gone to great lengths to impress me. I do not mean to seem bored by these gestures, just unimpressed. As I explained to my mother I get really frustrated that a man will go to great lengths to impress me without every bothering to get to know what really matters to me. My mother explained to me that is the lament of being a beautiful woman. Then she stated that she didn't know what that was like.
My immediate answer was "Bullshit!" (Side note: being an adult around your parent does not necessarily entitle you to swear, but considering it does allow you to be more honest then my mother is not at all surprised by this reaction from me). I then go over her dating history starting with my old man. I also had to tell her I was so grateful she had not remarried because at 33, I still don't think I'm ready for a step father. Her response was,"To hell with whether or not you're ready, I'm not ready!" Again a good full on belly laugh ensued.
Lastly there was a moment in Bath and Body works. I love going there with my mom because we get to rate the fragrances. I'm a "Warm Vanilla Sugar" girl, but venture out into other areas. We had fun smelling new things and making funny faces and noises to the things we didn't like. There came a moment when I showed her the body sugar for exfoliating. I explain how it works wonders on the skin and you come out as smooth as a baby's bottom. She responded, "I'm suddenly seeing you doing your figure modeling. What can I say? I'm still stuck in the 80s."
As these laughs passed between us, I couldn't help but wonder about Boat Boy and his father's recent passing. It made me sad that he could no longer have those very special moments with his parent the way I was having mine today with my mom. It made me cherish it all that much more.
Around 2:30 Boat boy appears on the radar via a text message. I respond that I'm spending time with my mom and that I'd call when I was done. He informs me it's Monday night football and therefore guy's night, but wanted to know if I'd like to come over before hand.
Hmmmm..... let me think about this for a minute.... Fuck yeah. I'd love to fuck around before I have to go to work and you go hang out with your buddies. So, after departing from my mother's company I truck my way over to his place.
Upon my arrival, I am informed that he is hosting Monday night football, and asks me to help him clean. Okay, but you have to fuck me when you're done. I clean, but I also cuss.....
"God damned mother fucking son of a bitch. How the fuck did I get suckered into this bullshit? This is girlfriend crap right here, and I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING GIRLFRIEND!!!!!" You fucking asshole. Jesus Christ. Fucking bullshit."
I stop. I laugh. I ask for permission to say something funny, yet inappropriate. He's suprised but signs off. I tell him I'm grateful such-and-such nickname is already taken. He mentions I could be "Beer Whore". I told him, "No, that would imply I drink all your beer, but I don't"
I finish tidying up the kitchen and cleaning the bathroom. We fuck. Rounds one and two. We talk. He gets a text for dinner, and I have to go.
Post codial cuddling is very important to me. It validates that I am not just some piece of ass, but rather a valued individual. I felt tossed out tonight, and I'm letting it slide.
I envisioned him at guys night tonight with (hopefully) the internal thoughts of "This is great! I'm fucking a hot red head. She cleans my apartment, and I bet I can get her to do my laundry, and I don't even have to call her my girlfriend. I'm one lucky mother fucker."
Why, yes Boat Boy. You are, and I am one dumb horny bitch.
I told my mother about the figure modeling I'd done. She asked if it was nude to which I answered honestly. She was proud that I could do it, and validated my decision to work with an artist. Hey, it would be my luck my mother or someone she knows stumbles across a pic of me.
There was that moment in my relationship where my mother became my friend, but still my mother, and I don't think either one of us has looked back. Neither one of us is perfect, yet we accept each other. Some of the highlights included a blazer I found at Good Will. My mother kindly offered to sow in shoulder pads for me. I explained (as I always do on our shopping adventures) that the 80s are over, and please get unstuck. I am the evil little shit that would hide all her shoulder pads if given the chance, but she won't let me know where she keeps them, except in every single top she owns. Oh, well. I did tell her though if I decided to go as an 80s version of Madonna then I'd let her go to town. We laughed.
Another random topic was men. This is always a fun subject because as we grow older our tastes seem to parallel each other more and more. Now mind you my poor mother had to listen to my verbal diarrhea about Boat Boy, but in between we mentioned how many men have gone to great lengths to impress me. I do not mean to seem bored by these gestures, just unimpressed. As I explained to my mother I get really frustrated that a man will go to great lengths to impress me without every bothering to get to know what really matters to me. My mother explained to me that is the lament of being a beautiful woman. Then she stated that she didn't know what that was like.
My immediate answer was "Bullshit!" (Side note: being an adult around your parent does not necessarily entitle you to swear, but considering it does allow you to be more honest then my mother is not at all surprised by this reaction from me). I then go over her dating history starting with my old man. I also had to tell her I was so grateful she had not remarried because at 33, I still don't think I'm ready for a step father. Her response was,"To hell with whether or not you're ready, I'm not ready!" Again a good full on belly laugh ensued.
Lastly there was a moment in Bath and Body works. I love going there with my mom because we get to rate the fragrances. I'm a "Warm Vanilla Sugar" girl, but venture out into other areas. We had fun smelling new things and making funny faces and noises to the things we didn't like. There came a moment when I showed her the body sugar for exfoliating. I explain how it works wonders on the skin and you come out as smooth as a baby's bottom. She responded, "I'm suddenly seeing you doing your figure modeling. What can I say? I'm still stuck in the 80s."
As these laughs passed between us, I couldn't help but wonder about Boat Boy and his father's recent passing. It made me sad that he could no longer have those very special moments with his parent the way I was having mine today with my mom. It made me cherish it all that much more.
Around 2:30 Boat boy appears on the radar via a text message. I respond that I'm spending time with my mom and that I'd call when I was done. He informs me it's Monday night football and therefore guy's night, but wanted to know if I'd like to come over before hand.
Hmmmm..... let me think about this for a minute.... Fuck yeah. I'd love to fuck around before I have to go to work and you go hang out with your buddies. So, after departing from my mother's company I truck my way over to his place.
Upon my arrival, I am informed that he is hosting Monday night football, and asks me to help him clean. Okay, but you have to fuck me when you're done. I clean, but I also cuss.....
"God damned mother fucking son of a bitch. How the fuck did I get suckered into this bullshit? This is girlfriend crap right here, and I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING GIRLFRIEND!!!!!" You fucking asshole. Jesus Christ. Fucking bullshit."
I stop. I laugh. I ask for permission to say something funny, yet inappropriate. He's suprised but signs off. I tell him I'm grateful such-and-such nickname is already taken. He mentions I could be "Beer Whore". I told him, "No, that would imply I drink all your beer, but I don't"
I finish tidying up the kitchen and cleaning the bathroom. We fuck. Rounds one and two. We talk. He gets a text for dinner, and I have to go.
Post codial cuddling is very important to me. It validates that I am not just some piece of ass, but rather a valued individual. I felt tossed out tonight, and I'm letting it slide.
I envisioned him at guys night tonight with (hopefully) the internal thoughts of "This is great! I'm fucking a hot red head. She cleans my apartment, and I bet I can get her to do my laundry, and I don't even have to call her my girlfriend. I'm one lucky mother fucker."
Why, yes Boat Boy. You are, and I am one dumb horny bitch.
Monday, November 16, 2009
House of Characters
Over the weekend my domicile expanded by a husband and wife team and two ferrets. While Hubby is lacking an official nickname, his better half has earned "Pimpett".
I have a dangerous confession to make that may jeopardize my intellectual standing among my peers. I apologize. I am a fan of the Twilight series. That's right. The stupid teeny bopper over the top melodrama that is mostly plagiarized from my understanding. However, on November 20th I will take this fanaticism to a new low and go see the movie on opening day.
Pimpett (and in how she earned her nickname tonight) says to me as we're hanging out in the living room that she had a friend asking about the movie and if she knew of anyone wanting to go see it. She mentions to her friend that I would. I immediately respond that she is not allowed to pimp my ass out to her friends. Pimpett's eyes roll back into her head in expression that I can really be this dumb. (Give her time; we are talking about Twilight here.) Pimpett was suggeting a girl's night out.
I have a dangerous confession to make that may jeopardize my intellectual standing among my peers. I apologize. I am a fan of the Twilight series. That's right. The stupid teeny bopper over the top melodrama that is mostly plagiarized from my understanding. However, on November 20th I will take this fanaticism to a new low and go see the movie on opening day.
Pimpett (and in how she earned her nickname tonight) says to me as we're hanging out in the living room that she had a friend asking about the movie and if she knew of anyone wanting to go see it. She mentions to her friend that I would. I immediately respond that she is not allowed to pimp my ass out to her friends. Pimpett's eyes roll back into her head in expression that I can really be this dumb. (Give her time; we are talking about Twilight here.) Pimpett was suggeting a girl's night out.
Friday, November 13, 2009
It is in doing that we learn
I needed to know for me that it was me, and not him.
I went and did and learned I was right.
I am comforted in knowing this and hoping he will understand.
I went and did and learned I was right.
I am comforted in knowing this and hoping he will understand.
At a friend's request....
So, I get a voicemail from a friend asking me to remove any and all trace of them from my blog. My initial gut reaction is "Who are you to tell me what I can and cannot write about?" I thought I did a fairly reasonable job of keeping everyone's identity unknown. However, as this friend climbs the corporate ladder it is prudent of them to have a squeaky clean reputation and no misleading information out there, ANYWHERE. How often have there been news stories of someone losing a job over what they said on facebook or myspace. This is the last thing I want to happen to this friend.
In review I realized too, I was particularly unfair to this friend. One, her nickname is an obvious give away if you know anything about her. While I do not have my name directly linked to this blogspot, if you follow my comments on other people's blogs you will stumble upon this one. Connecting the dots from there isn't so hard. The second snafu I need to own up to is the fact that I have devuldged personal and intimate information about her. Normally when I write about someone I tend to either discuss it with them first, skip the details or remove the nickname. With that in mind, I will be spending the next few weeks reviewing and rewriting my blogs.
With the birth of this blog, came an element of candor that has slowly slipped away due to readership. I'm left wondering where the line lies between freedom of speech and being held accountable for what is being said. I have numerous times blasted people or my employer, but does this mean I should lose my job over it?
In review I realized too, I was particularly unfair to this friend. One, her nickname is an obvious give away if you know anything about her. While I do not have my name directly linked to this blogspot, if you follow my comments on other people's blogs you will stumble upon this one. Connecting the dots from there isn't so hard. The second snafu I need to own up to is the fact that I have devuldged personal and intimate information about her. Normally when I write about someone I tend to either discuss it with them first, skip the details or remove the nickname. With that in mind, I will be spending the next few weeks reviewing and rewriting my blogs.
With the birth of this blog, came an element of candor that has slowly slipped away due to readership. I'm left wondering where the line lies between freedom of speech and being held accountable for what is being said. I have numerous times blasted people or my employer, but does this mean I should lose my job over it?
Thursday, November 5, 2009
A pinch and a dash
So, Twiggy Fuck continues to desperately email me, which I'm starting to get really annoyed with. Does he have nothing else to do with his life, really? I've discussed the options with my friends and Sorority Sister feels that if I continue to ignore him, he'll stop. She's most likely right, but SSRT signed off on this idea. I think I might just give him an ultimatum.
Twiggy Fuck is begging for a second chance. He is so desperate he has offered to marry me, have children and pay all of my bills. He tells me that he wants to change which includes finally getting treatment for his MS, volunteering and going to mass. I think that's wonderful so I'm thinking I'm going to propose this:
1) pay all of my bills for one year in advance with a cashier's check for $22K.
2)Receive treatment for his MS
3)Go to mass
4)Volunteer
The terms must be met for one year and he must prove his follow through by documentation. Then at the end of one year, if I see a sincere change in his personality I will consider dating him again. I think this is fair and reasonable. Above all, asking for $22K up front is not only ballsy, but most likely a deal breaker. I'm seriously mulling this one over.
In other news, Boat Boy is off to Ireland, and I won't see him or talk to him for two weeks. I miss him and his cock more.
There is a new contender in area that has not yet earned a nickname. (SSRT doesn't feel he should get one, either). We'll be heading out Friday night and I'm terrified. I can't muster up enthusiasm for dating and this is a big push on my part that I'm most likely not ready for.
I'm dick dead broke. So much so I went to the pawn shop today. I get an offer for $135, I being a honest soul that I am fucked myself out of $40 by telling the guy he wants to cut the pendant only to have the offer drop to $90 when he learned that the piece was weighted. Shit! Shit! Shit!
Plans for school have changed a bit. I am not enrolling in classes next semester. This semester is a wash. I'm fried and I want a minute to regroup. Plus too, I don't have the money right now. I'll start again in the fall. This will give me the time I need to get it together financially so I won't have to stop again. Part of me is angry and wants to blame Twiggy Fuck for this whole mess. I just rolled over and showed my belly when it came to my education. Why didn't I stick to my guns when it came to me taking the classes I wanted to take versus the classes he thought I should take? Why did I let him push me into taking Chemistry during the summer when I knew it would leave me feeling burnt out for the fall? Then I start to get angry at myself. Also, by letting that asshole run my life, I lost money by not making as much overtime this year totaling over $10K.
Still settling into night shift. It's going. I miss working 2nd, but I think in the end this was a good move for me. My new roommates move in next weekend. I'm looking forward to having permanent company around the house. I think this is going to be a very good fit.
Twiggy Fuck is begging for a second chance. He is so desperate he has offered to marry me, have children and pay all of my bills. He tells me that he wants to change which includes finally getting treatment for his MS, volunteering and going to mass. I think that's wonderful so I'm thinking I'm going to propose this:
1) pay all of my bills for one year in advance with a cashier's check for $22K.
2)Receive treatment for his MS
3)Go to mass
4)Volunteer
The terms must be met for one year and he must prove his follow through by documentation. Then at the end of one year, if I see a sincere change in his personality I will consider dating him again. I think this is fair and reasonable. Above all, asking for $22K up front is not only ballsy, but most likely a deal breaker. I'm seriously mulling this one over.
In other news, Boat Boy is off to Ireland, and I won't see him or talk to him for two weeks. I miss him and his cock more.
There is a new contender in area that has not yet earned a nickname. (SSRT doesn't feel he should get one, either). We'll be heading out Friday night and I'm terrified. I can't muster up enthusiasm for dating and this is a big push on my part that I'm most likely not ready for.
I'm dick dead broke. So much so I went to the pawn shop today. I get an offer for $135, I being a honest soul that I am fucked myself out of $40 by telling the guy he wants to cut the pendant only to have the offer drop to $90 when he learned that the piece was weighted. Shit! Shit! Shit!
Plans for school have changed a bit. I am not enrolling in classes next semester. This semester is a wash. I'm fried and I want a minute to regroup. Plus too, I don't have the money right now. I'll start again in the fall. This will give me the time I need to get it together financially so I won't have to stop again. Part of me is angry and wants to blame Twiggy Fuck for this whole mess. I just rolled over and showed my belly when it came to my education. Why didn't I stick to my guns when it came to me taking the classes I wanted to take versus the classes he thought I should take? Why did I let him push me into taking Chemistry during the summer when I knew it would leave me feeling burnt out for the fall? Then I start to get angry at myself. Also, by letting that asshole run my life, I lost money by not making as much overtime this year totaling over $10K.
Still settling into night shift. It's going. I miss working 2nd, but I think in the end this was a good move for me. My new roommates move in next weekend. I'm looking forward to having permanent company around the house. I think this is going to be a very good fit.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)