Borderline this, bitch!

Ahhhh the joys and pleasures of working in the behavioral health field. My favorite will always be the Borderline, perhaps because I can not only relate, but I know the games they play because I can play them, too. So bring it, bitch!

Let's start with boundaries. For instance, there are certain expectations for behavior. When dealing with a borderline it's very important to make sure these are clear, concise, reinforable, and repeatable. Borderline's have hearing problems. Ok, that might be a bit unfair. There is neurological evidence indicating different cerebral structures in specific areas of the brain which may indicate a difficulty in processing stimuli in a manner that is expected by modern society.

Now for the chamilion like behavior. I change my color and flavor to suit your needs. I'm very good at being mailable as long as I think this is what you want me to be. A beautiful talent that invokes an element of grace in social settings, however challenges a more intimate role. I can only fake things for so long before I get frustrated.

Turbulant relationships. Hahahahahahahahahaha, no wait. Hahahahahahahahahaha. I just got ripped a new one because a friend felt that I'd been neglecting them attention wise. Look asshole: here's a few things for you. 1) You are not the center of my universe. 2) Your own emotional insecurities evoke a negative and personal interpretation of my behaviors that may actually have nothing to do with you. 3) If you feel at all disrespected or mistreated then you've done a shitty job with boundaries. Can someone please tell me what a stable relationship looks like? I'm too fucking nuts to know. Hence, why I am alone and will most likely stay this way.

Emotional void. This is the sickest part to me. There is no attactment to any sort of emotion. Not happy, not sad, not angry, not love, not hate. An abyss of nothingness that is so numbing you wonder if you can feel anything. Through therapy I have learned to touch those feelings. I can embrace them, hold them, and feel them. But right now I am too wounded and it is too dangerous for me to acknowledge how angry I am so instead I feel nothing.

SIB or cutting. Ahhhhhhhh! Like a good emotional bowel movement, really. Tattoo anyone? No seriously. The pain of the neddle on the flesh forcing the ink inside to remind me forever of all the moments in my life when I must feel something because feeling nothing is too dangerous. Otherwise, for me I was good for cutting on the inside of my ankles. Didn't need the regulars to know I was that nuts so I covered up the marks with my thigh high boots. Today, it's usually a moment when the pressure becomes so intense and I'm in a place where I can't cry. I can't feel in the moment. It's not safe so I push it down by stabbing my keys into the palms of my hands.

Self sabbatoge. It's a history on repeat. I felt like a loser fuck up scum bag piece of shit so I must be? Right? Yeah that's it. I'm no good. I don't deserve a man in my life who loves me. My own father doesn't love me. He told me what fucking piece of shit I am, so he's my dad. He must be right. Parents are infaluable. Oh, look. I failed out of community college. Yup. That's right. I'm a waste of space.

Do we get better? Can we outgrow this? Rumor is yes. I think there is no disorder that has so much controversy surrounding it. I am committed to not buying into the bullshit of being a borderline. I have been in therapy off and on since I was 17. I am not my disorder. Yes, there are bumps in the road, and we might "drive" a bit differently then most, but I think if an individual is truly committed to getting better, they are an amazing strong person.