overthinking things

Written Monday Oct 19th, 2009.

Life has a way of giving you what you need when you need it.

It is strange and wonderful. There is no struggle to keep barriers in place but rather little by little I let him come closer and closer to who I really am. It so parallels what SD and I experienced. There is a delicate balance that exists between wanting, needing, and using.

What does it say when the man I'm sleeping with has tapped into my sexual psyche in a deeper more profound way in three weeks than Twiggy Fuck did in a year? As I lull over my history with men there is something about him that pulls me in each time we sleep together. It is more than sex, but not yet making love. There is a connection in my mind to him. I don't understand it, nor will I even pretend to try and unravel it's mystery.I'm working on accepting it for what it is. Why is there such a comfort level with him? Am I confusing comfort for not caring? There is evidence that indicates otherwise.

I am not afraid. I have no expectations. I just know that in the moments spent with him I am learning how to let go and allow myself to be happy.

There are so many things I cherish about him. He said as I lie sleeping he noticed I was smiling. It might have been a line, but I don't feel like it was. I tend to scowl so it's nice I find peace when with him. The other night when he told me I was beautiful for the first time since I can remember I genuinely believed him.

So, in the wee hours of the morning I contemplate, reflect and pray I know something for simply what it is.