Time.....

It's a beautiful and precious gift that I'm starting to become aware of. Fear is a terrible enemy of time. Tonight at work there was an young addict and it got me aside from my usual annoyed with patients that don't sleep; actually thinking.

I'm afraid of sobriety. As my liver literally is starting to scream for mercy it is becoming more and more clear this is not an option. It is a necessity. However, I am not ready. What am I scared of? Being able to get off the sauce isn't so much the issue as staying off of it.

First things first though and that is that you can only help those who are willing to help themselves. I am so not there yet. I don't understand why. The second thing is to look at the twelve steps.

First I am an alcoholic. Check. Actually, more like check plus, but anyway.

Second, I am powerless over my drinking. Super double check plus plus.

Third, surrender it to your higher power. I've done this and it works.

And this is as far as I can make it. Take it one day at a time. How about this. My drinking is so severe I would need inpatient care to make sure I don't die. Ugly.

So as I poke and prod at my liver and hear it go ouch, I know it's getting up on that time when I need to conquer that fear. I just haven't got my little mind made up to do it yet and well .... Quite frankly, it is bugging the ever living shit out of me. If only it could drive the drink out.