Wet my whistle, a review of the men I've dated

Ani Difranco wrote the lyrics, "You can't will your cunt wet" and I've been thinking a lot about sexual attraction lately and the men I've dated starting back as far as my ex husband, St. Bastard. It is interesting when you let your ex's know about your blog. My ex husband's comment on my profile was that I'd fucked a bunch of guys but was no closer to happiness. What kind of insight was I expecting from the man who took my virginity 10 years ago? Correlation is not causation?

I had Mr Meat and Potatoes this weekend turn me ten shades of red after being friends for almost four years mention the idea of benefits. We also have the my-best-friend's-wedding agreement to get married when he turns forty. Two years to find someone else? At least this past weekend, when we curled up into bed together I felt like I was being held by a man. We had two great days of laughter and friendship. But that's just it. While he has a huge heart and would try to give me the world, I'm not sure if he understand all of me and in the end he just doesn't wet my whistle.

There's the mailman, who's deaf and I'm not sure won't get all of me and in fact most of the men I date tend to fall into this category. Yummy, who became enraged every time I reared my head towards independence. Flavor Saver, while easy on the eyes isn't tickling me intellectually.

Having spent the last few days reflecting on my failed marriage, I realized it was my childhood abandonment issues that drove the relationship because I was afraid to be myself at risk of losing his love and in the end I felt it was either figure out who I was as a person or forever be who he wanted me to be.

I think about Half Pint and how he claims he was willing to give me everything, but has he bothered to ask me what I want? Has he figured out yet what I need he can't give me? I have to get myself.

In the end, he was right. He wasn't enough. In an honest moral review of the men I've dated there have only ever been two that I felt satisfied with. SD was amazing and wonderful and patient and kind and balanced putting up with my shit versus giving it right back. I no longer mourn for the loss of him, but our relationship and all of the good parts are still very much missed.

The other while only lasting three weeks was Fresh Meat. There was something special about him. I would lay in bed after spending the night and listen to him talk to his oldest daughter who was four on the phone. He would hold me and we would talk about simple things, but when I became too clingy, he ran and I understand why.

The latest misadventures of my dating life have taught me not to seek my past relationship in my present one. I've also realized that I need the trifecta, which is intelligence, both emotional and education wise, looks, and finical security.

Now that I've figured out what I need in a relationship, I'm not looking for one. I'm taking time for me. It's nice being by myself. I live my life by my terms. I do what I want to do when I want to do it and I'm learning how to love myself.