Baby's got a boo-boo

Starting with the show it was sheer hell. Taya was starting to go into heat a few days before hand and my gut started to poke at me telling me I should scratch. But I pushed on. I was going to ride with a fellow competitor from the barn until her horse decided to go ape shit on the trailer and my girl refused to load. Okay, can't blame her. We'll just go with the next group at 9. Well, fuck me if that little bitch didn't learn a new trick in all of this and is now refusing to get on this trailer. Now I really don't want to go. But eventually she caved and went in.

Once at the show we had to hit the ground running. I sent my right hand man over to get me signed in. Then I got dressed and half the barn showed up to deal with Taya bouncing off the walls and got her tacked up. Rushed into the warm up ring were my only goal was to breath. Before I knew it it was time to go in so off we went. I wasn't paying attention and we went off course. FUCK!!! I have been riding this test for over 10 years. I was more tense at this show than I've ever been. I scored my absolute lowest ever on this test.

Everyone saw how crushed I was. Everyone from the barn saw how hard I worked. Everything was perfect. Everyone has complimented me on how well she was doing and in a split second it has all been taken away from me. She's lame.

We don't know why. The owner is trying to blame me because when Taya got off the trailer she hit her leg. Not bad. If it was it would have bothered her right away, but I've seen worse marks on her from coming in out of the pasture. The vet came out and said it wasn't it, but the owner is fixated on that being the problem. As of Tuesday I have been out at the barn hosing off her leg twice a day and making sure it's getting taken care of. I brush her and fly spray her. I give her treats. She is in pain. When we are done with our routine she walks back to the herd with her head down, whereas she normally gaily trots off to join her girlfriends.

The owner has not stopped by once to see her horse since this whole thing. She is upset because I didn't (although I thought I did) tell her about the show. She has been up my ass about how broke she is. She can't afford to send her husband to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. She just had to drop $700 into car. They need a new roof and there's a leak in the bathroom. But oh hey yeah her son is looking at colleges and they've already been to Dartmouth, Brown and Williams. Really? And when I offered to send extra money to help cover Taya's shots this spring I was told no thank you they were all set. Bitch, stop talking out both sides of your mouth.

I am despondent. What do I do? I have some money to spend on her, but not much. This is why I lease, not own. I spend all day ruminating over the possible outcomes. If she isn't sound by the end of June I can't afford to lease her anymore. I'm not paying for a horse I can't ride, but how do I break the news to the owner? What will happen to Taya when I stop leasing her? I want her better asap so I can continue on with my plans to greatness.

I internalize all of this. I feel like such a fuck up, like maybe fate is telling me I'm not meant to ride. This is the second time where I have lost my mount to lameness and not been able to advance in my riding. It's like learning to play "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" over and over and over again. Sure, I'm really fucking good at it but I want to learn to do something different. I dream of doing something beyond this backyard shit. I might not be talented enough, but I am disciplined enough, and this is the part where my heart starts to break....

This isn't a sport you do by yourself. You have a partner. Mine is so great. She knows what I'm thinking before I'm thinking it. She does things automatically without me asking. It took me a long time to get here and I really am upset at seeing it all fall apart so quickly. I cry and pray that she is ok and we can continue to go forward, and for as much as it is killing me in the back of my mind I'm already forming a plan "B", but the problem is it won't be the same if I can't do it with Taya.