randomness

In the mists of it all I have lost track of time here in this place I come to throw my thoughts around like a deflated ball. In fact of late I had one reader comment to me privately, "I don't have a blog where I can publicly announce all my stuff to work out." Fuck you. This is as private as I get, and really? I think since December or pretty much since Devoid shoved off I've kept the gory details of my love life to myself. It's now just mostly horses and work.

With that in mind, Taya tested positive for Lyme disease. Hopefully I can start riding her next week. Fingers are crossed, incense is lit, and I'm praying to what ever gods choose to listen. I'm so conflicted about what to do. I don't know if I should keep leasing her or not. My plan is to slow down. I won't show this year and next year hit it hard. Just train my ass off. My sounding board doesn't think this is a good idea. I have a few more weeks to think about what I need to do.

What I can tell you is not making up to the barn to see her really put me in a funk. For the first time in months I had intrusive thoughts of suicide and couldn't sleep. I just wanted to lay in bed because I was scared that if I got out of bed I'd hurt myself. I don't like that feeling. So I fixed it. I smoked a bowl and went to the barn. Taya time is so healing for my psyche and I realized how much I need it in order to function. Just the idea of stopping riding made me want to quit everything else around me. It doesn't matter how good I am at it. It matters how much it keeps my soul balanced.

Right now it's just a jumbled mess of thoughts that I need to weed through to find what my heart really wants. I was told that I might listen to my heart more when my head knows best. Between the two I will find a happy medium. It's just going to take time.

Life has a funny way of calling you home. I feel I have been traveling for a long time now and am finally at a point where I can stop and rest. It brings me a sense of peace knowing this is where I'm headed. While I haven't figured out where the horse piece of this puzzle fits in yet, the rest of it looks almost seamless.