A reflection

So, today laying in bed I began to melt down and cry. There is an unbearable pain that rises up from my chest and spreads throughout my entire body. I figured my heart with so many cracks in it wouldn't feel the pain this round, but the reality of my relationship with Twiggy Fuck has forced me to look at the whole picture.

Boat Boy might help hold back some of the pain, but I think this is something I need to feel. Maybe this is why I'm not good at being alone. I've never allowed myself to feel the pain from the disappointment when a relationship fails, tracing this trend all the way back to my father.

Twiggy Fuck took the last drop of my romantic ideals and killed them. I'm not even cynically romantic anymore. I used to believe in happily ever after, but now I know better. I thought Twiggy Fuck was the one. Then slowly as it began to slip away I pointed this out to him and was ignored. Now it's too late. I've shut down emotionally.

Boat Boy is an amazing man with qualities that leave me in awe. It kills me that I can't connect, however I took comfort in knowing that I genuinely missed him when he went to PA. He's headed across the pond soon and I'm wondering what the time between now, then and his return will bring.

I want to believe in all the beautiful things in life again. I want to believe that there is such a thing as love and that I am not just some object to possessed. I am not some prize but a person who needs affirmation in my emotions, thoughts and beliefs. I need to know that I am cared about and that I am a lovable human being.

These are the things that were stolen from me and I am desperately trying to restore them. I know it will take time, but right now there is very little hope in my glass.