If ever being an edgy bitch has worked for me, last night was it. I was horny. I needed to get laid. That simple. But wait .... I'm a woman and with that comes a cunt followed by consequences. I keep my shit tight. No one knows where I was last night and yes dangerous, but it beats the social repercussions of the "children" in the bar.
The evening started out by my returning the dog I was sitting and then I headed to the usual haunt for a martini. From there I went to see a foreign film by myself. It was cute and when it was done at only 11:30 I headed out to the neighborhood Irish bar.
I'd been seriously thinking about getting laid since Friday. I needed a pipe cleaning. Three contenders came to mind. 1) Paulie, my ol' bar tender from years ago. Eats box like a fat kid eats birthday cake. 2)Fresh Meat, who 1) is the best lay I've had since my ex boyfriend and 2) houdini'ed on me after three weeks most likely because I wound up sounding way too much like a girlfriend or 3) Door guy. Oozes of a pathology that I can't quite put my finger on, but then again who really wants to touch a ticking bomb?
As I rolled up to the bar the playing field was narrowed from three to one: Door Guy. He was outside on the patio having a smoke, which was wonderfully unattractive. You see, I needed dick, but not necessarily piquant dick. I felt like fate's hand herself had touched me in the form of a bitch slap. It was time to seal the deal.
Door guy starts to tell me something from across the bar and I have to motion him three times to get him to come closer. I realize this is not going to be an easy sell. FUCK! Which is the whole point, right? He's been jumped and beaten with a broken nose and black eye. I offer to buy him a drink, telling him in the moment that it was because of what happened. In reality I wanted to keep him around for minute. Well, he sits and sips for a second and then moves on. I am ready to surrender, but this time fate intervenes by taking me over the knee and spanking me.
Also at the bar is Bimbo, a girl with big tits, 22, and more of a lush than I am. I know her from working at a restaurant together. She comes over and I tell her I need her help. I have to get laid and I'm looking at door guy to do the job. She proceeds to invite me over to the area of the bar her and her friend are sitting in and oh, yeah, where door guy has moved onto.
A few rounds later (and this is why I like Bimbo) she suggests going to the titty bar. Door guy is surprisingly down for it.
We hit the ATM, and then go to the strip club. Yippee Skippy. As a retired dancer, I love going. We're not through the door more than five minutes than we find an empty seat at the rail. I explain to the guy who went to the bathroom friends that I was just borrowing it and I'd give it back when he came back. Well, Bimbo comes over and sits on my lap. The guy returns from the bathroom but doesn't want his seat back so we stay put.
Off and behind me to my left is a cheap fuck who puts up a quarter. He then has the balls to tell me it's a lucky Italian coin. I tell him he's full of shit and to take his cheap sorry ass somewhere else because whatever he did to earn that quarter is no where near as hard as what that girl is doing to earn it from him. I go off on the guy. Finally he caves and pulls out a stack of bills consisting of 20s, 50s and 100s and places it on the stage. At first I was tempted to throw it in the air, but instead, I unimpressed, pick up the stack of bills, pull out 80 in 20s, and proceed to dance for Bimbo. He grabs the stack back and tries to reach for the rest. I shove the bills in the back of my pants and wag my ass around not letting him grab it. I give 20 to the girl dancing for us b/c I know what it's like to have two drunk obnoxious chicks at the rail trying to steal your show. Cheap guy's friend hands me and Bimbo 10 for the show. I hand back the cheap guy 60 bucks and he asks where the other 20 was. I told him, "I gave it away, you cheap fuck!" He then asked for his friend's 10. I walked away and told him to fuck off one more time.
When Bimbo and I returned to where we'd left door guy, he was gone. We panicked. Had he had enough of our shannigins at the stage that he took a cab home? Was he in the bathroom? No! He was doing what every blue blooded American man should do. He was off contributing to some girl's college fund in the form of a lap dance. Feewwww! I thought for a moment he'd gotten away.
In the car ride to and from the titty bar I made sure to play up that I just need a dick and I was tired of going home to my dildo. I'm too bitter right now for a relationship, but I'd love to get laid, and blah, blah, blah, but at least he got the point. ;)
Bimbo was a risk factor so I did a bit of damage control via text message a few minutes after getting to door guys place,"That fucking douche bag bastard, making me give him a ride home and not even putting out." Door guy found it funny. I also told him the morning after that I didn't buy him a drink b/c he got jumped. I was trying to get him drunk so I could take advantage of him.
The sex? Not bad, but then again, I'm bitter.
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