I don't know if it's the change in the weather that has me feeling this way or what, but yesterday I had a very depressing epiphany. I am no longer the hot blooded passionate woman. I have hit an emotional rock bottom.
I rented this new place that is absolutely amazing in that the price is right and the space is awe inspiring. Plus I can have my farm. I grew up in the middle of no where, slightly east of butt fuck. On 40 acres, I had a veggie garden, two horses and all the forest a young teenager could want. I could escape the pressures of being a teen by going for a walk around the farm. I had my own personal man made cave (1898 was the date carved into the side of it), rock walls to climb over, oaks and maples to climb up and birches to watch and think of Robert Frost and Emily Dickinson. I now have a place where I can recapture my youth.
So yesterday I went and rode for the first time in about 8 years. Horseback riding was the best for me as a teenager. I was truly free in those moments. I didn't have to worry about my father's wrath and hands wrapped around my neck choking me until I passed out. I didn't have to worry whether my mom was going to love me today or not. I didn't have to worry about that guy I had a profound crush on was going to try and pressure me into putting out. The only thing on my mind in that moment was whether or not my horse would do what I told it to do. It was one of two things that gave me joy and piece of mind. The other was going to church.
I sold my horse after the guy I was boarding with tried to rape me. Plus too the expense was getting to me. I was making 250 a week and all of it was going to my horse. I wanted to go to school so I could afford my hobby. Off to college I went and 11 years later here I am trying to make my dream a reality.
This mare was beautiful and sweet and just right for me. Not too hot that I couldn't deal with her, but enough to challenge me to re-learn what I used to know. I did a turn on the forehand. shoulder in's, leg yields, and halts (things beginners don't do).
In the end, I walked away with a sigh and a shurg. Is it because I don't have the teenage angst anymore? I know today my mother loves me, but I no longer need her approval. My father did the best he could. Besides it's in the past, and I don't live there anymore. I've giving up on the good girl image, put out and put up with a lot of shit from men so now I don't have to worry so much about whether the guy from high school likes me or not. Maybe I'm trying to bury the last of my childhood demons on this farm. Who knows?
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