Suck it,Nantucket!

I understand weak attempts at rekindling a fire, but this is different. There's something off, and I don't know what it is.
Hyannnis haunts me with the memories of the last trip here.
Biff, once an old high school chum, turned into something, but I'm not sure what. It sent a ripple effect into the new and independent friendship I was building with Hozer.

Yes, I will own the fact that I was a dripping -wet -pathological- should- have- been -hosiptalized -mess that weekend in March. Instead, I detoxed in the basement of Biff's grandmother's house. I felt isolated and ostracized by group. But then again, who would want to get near a soaking wet mess like me?

I'm perplexed by the dicotomy I experience over all of this. Two days into me not drinking, Biff pitched a fit about wanting wine for dinner but no one was willing to buy it. 90 days later and with the gift of soberity, I'm still thinking it was a shitty thing to do to someone who is trying not to drink. The icing on the Biff shit cake is that she even said to me they were having a free wine tasting.

Were was I? Lost into the fog of booze and not wanting to listen to Biff bitch anymore I soldiered into the store picked a red wine and menadered my way to the cash registar where low and behold, Biff was right behind me. If I'm not going to use something, then why should I pay for it? I did though. Boy did I pay for it big time

Later on that "wonderful" weekend away we went to a bar. Yup, that's right. Three days wet and not quite sober yet, I went to a bar to cheer on the girls in kareoke. It was like I was invisible. Not one of the girls in our group sat next to me. But again, Biff outdid herself in leading the ladies. She went to everyone (but me) and offered to buy them a drink. So, I was alone in a bar drinking club soda. Group photos were taken. I was nervous with Mickie driving us home as she bragged about how much she'd drunk that night thinking to myself,"Shouldn't the sober person be driving," but not saying anything because I knew my voice was long lost to this group.

It ended on a sour note and tears because Biff asked me not to go to the last day where more friends from highschool were getting together for dinner. She'd had enough of my pissy attitude and I don't blame her. However, digging deeper (because that's what us boarderlines do) I found out she didn't trust me to make the right decisions. Didn't she realize that I'd had enough of me, too? I asked why she couldn't just say,"Hey Michelle, are you okay?" She felt it was hand holding. I was disturbed learn not only had my friend been burnt so badly by other people, but that she percieved asking how someone was doing as hand holding. Then and now perplexed by this ephiphany, I am still wondering how Biff defines a friendship. My last question with intonation of bitterness and hate was,"Are you prepared to deal with the consequenses of this decision?"

In the end the only way I can rationalize this debocile is in AA they say you lose friends, but I never thought it would be her. And the only way I can frame this in my little mind is I'd trade a 1000 friends for what I have today, but this one was golden and one I miss very much.

I miss talking and laughing and sharing and being goofy. I miss shopping with her and telling her about the successes and failures in my life. I want to tell her I took the summer chem class I was terrified of because she's the only one outside of my family that would get how big of a deal it is to me. I want to tell her how I'm doing well at paying my bills and fixing my mess. I want to tell her how I've lost weight. I want to know how things are going on her end. I miss how if I'd fuck up she'd call me on it. I want to listen to her misadventures in dating and laugh at her funny stories. I want to share with my friend, but again I am deeply disturbed over the whole hand holding thing. In, the end I leave it alone because I am powerless to change how someone else thinks about things.

So I let it go. I live my life. One day at a time.