I was in a mood yesterday. For the first time since I've owned a cell phone I've shut it off. I just didn't want to deal with people. Especially dicks. I feel like lately every man can smell my vulnerability and therefore thinks it might be "easier" to fuck the red head. I feel sorry for any poor fuck who is dumb enough to ask me out on a date or even try and get into my pants. Of course in talking to my mother her advice is to "stop putting on that fragrance".
By the end of my shift I was in a blase blah mood so off I went to my corner at the Half Door. I sat down to play my video games. I salted my beer and did rather well at my favorite. I watched the world around me. The law students have returned. The arrogance of the first years filled the air with a nauseating stench. I finished my beer and headed to the patio for a smoke.
There were more law students. They were also geeks, but I guess because I'm a girl I couldn't be included in the conversation about The Sandman Series. I am asked for a cigarette. I surrender one to this future asshole. I listen in more as they mock each others' clothes. I laugh to myself as I am just off work so therefore rocking a Little Mermaid scrub top and my ducky socks. I roll hard core like that. Trust me when I tell you it takes a certain talent to look this frumpy.
I interject a few more glib comments. I am ignored and therefore have to accept the fact that I am not accepted by these guys. Oh, well. I finally grab their attention by dropping their hero's name Tucker Max. As a woman I must now explain why I am a fan and therefore immediately determine they are unworthy of being Tucker Max fans themselves. I announce I write. He asks for the blog site. I give. He says he might look it up. I respond, "Riiiight....but thanks for trying to be nice."
Allow my digression for a moment here and let's talk about good bar tenders from a woman's perspective. Counting this one, I've had 4 which include Fuck Wad, Kansas, Mr. O, and now Winky. This does not mean I've slept with them, but rather they not only know what to pour and when to pour it, but also what to say and when to say it.
So what puts them in this elite club of qualified well seasoned bar tenders? The criteria is as follows:
1) Must be cute, in that they are physically attractive enough you want to fuck them.
2) Discretely egotistical. Not the muscle bound dumb jock type, but rather the nerdy guy knowing he's made good. (Let's face it. As a male bar tender, there is usually an endless line of pussy, and that fact must be respected)
3)Socially intelligent: He must know when to cut someone off, and when to take the drunk girl home and fuck her senseless. He must also recognize and intervene in certain situations, such as another male trying to fuck the girl he wants to fuck that night.
4)This is really an adjunct to #3, but he must smell vulnerability in women and flirt just enough to boost her self esteem. If this is not the girl he wants to fuck that night, then he has just increased some other guy's chance of getting laid.... or not depending on the girl
5) Remain composer at all times. A well seasoned bar tender will never truly let you know what they are thinking, only what they want you to believe they are thinking.
Overall, what I'm saying here is a good bar tender knows how to work the scene from behind a slab of wood. With that, let's introduce Winky.
Don't know him from Adam, except for that night in the drawer dropping contest we both were wearing froggy underwear.Afterhours, he announces he has frogs on his boxers. I retort,"So do I!" I bounce behind the bar to show him.
He's in debt up to his eyeballs due to a failed business venture, yet when not mentioned he is upbeat and happy. He does not throw the sleazy I'm-going-to-degrade-you-while-fucking-you-vibe, but definitely not relationship material.*
But Winky's gift is just that, a very sexy flirtatious smile followed with a wink. Even makes this old bitter bitch melt. So, we engage in coversation.
This is a dance of hunt and kill. I need to send a cryptacoded message to Winky that yes I want to hook up. This is a challenge because I'm in current work attire. I start to bitch because I have found this to be a good technique in opening the door(hunting) to getting laid(killing). The trick to this technique is seem just desperate enough. Cross the line and you're going home alone.
The opening line: "My life is a desperate joke. I had a boyfriend and I went from 148 to 132 and for two weeks straight in Italy while on vacation I didn't get laid once. Not once!"
What I'm really saying"I need to get laid." Also, very important to announce a recent break up. This means you aren't looking for a relationship, just a cock to rebound off of.
Winky's response:" Did you say ex-boyfriend. I'm sorry, but look at it this way; with each relationship you always learn something."
What Winky's really saying: "I'm interested." The follow up line supports the idea of you're not just a piece of ass.
My response to Winky's supportive statement: You're right. With every relationship I've been through I have learned how to give a better blow job.
Winky: 6 shades of crimson in 6 seconds. Red Head wins!!!!!
I laugh at him as he tries to shrug off his shock at my response and blame it on the booze. Whatever dude. You never expected that coming out of my mouth so now you want to be cumming in it.
The evening winds down and now there is just this one chick, the bar back, myself and Winky left in the bar. I start talking to the chick because on the DL I want to fuck Winky and I need to know if I have any competition.
It's worse. Sappy here is hung up on Winky whether she knows it or not. She is a mess of emotionally damage and confusion; or just really drunk.
I'm fucked. I set it up and now I know it's definitely not going to happen. For as much as I am a mean ol' bitter bitch I too was once where Sappy is now and I cannot trample over her to get my needs met.
The night ends with me being vag blocked (first time experience for me), and me saying to Winky, "Clean up your mess."
*most good bar tenders are not good relationship material
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment