Random ramblings of a redhead

A lot has been on my plate lately and I'm chewing slowly and trying to swallow. This isn't easy, but one scar at at time, I examine them on multiple levels.

I have had the scabs removed thanks to Twiggy Fuck's head games. To give you an idea of how much of a mess it is upstairs right now, I was listening to the radio when the song "Butterfly Kisses" came on. I lost it. I started to cry. I am never going to have that kind of relationship with my father. It's like every expectation I've ever had for a guy starting with my father has been a false one.

With that in mind, I realized the other day, while again crying like a little bitch that I was going to die alone. It's not because I'm not smart or pretty or even a bad girlfriend. It's because I'm going to waste the rest of my life chasing after men that never really want me. It began with my father.

Now for the first time in my life, I've stopped running. My mind is tired. I am weak. I have nothing left to give, even to myself.

I'm angry, and for the first time I'm allowing myself to feel angry rather than ignore it. Holy shit 32 years of rage is like a mountain of shit and I'm the lucky son of a bitch with a teaspoon to move it.